INFJ Door slam is something you’ll frequently find being used by many INFJs in the INFJ community. If you’re already a part of any INFJ community, you probably would have heard about it.
Though there is no official definition of the INFJ door slam in the Myers-Briggs® theory, it’s a phenomenon that every single INFJ on this planet has experienced, whether they have read it before or not.
Before we dive into the details of – What is an INFJ door slam? How and Why does an INFJ door slam happen? I want to let you know that it is not purely exclusive to the INFJ personality type only. All the 16 Myers-Briggs® personality types use it when necessary, but INFJs are one of them who gets to use it for a unique set of reasons.
It is found that the INTP personality type and the INFP personality type also exercise the door slam nearly as much as the INFJ personality type does.
What is the INFJ door slam?
INFJ door slam is the act through which an INFJ shuts someone entirely out of their life. It is similar to slamming the door in someone’s face to directly show someone that you are not interested in listening to them and don’t want any communication to happen hereafter.
In most cases, an INFJ door slam happens for a permanent period. However, in some scenarios, like for family relatives and office colleagues, INFJs tend to limit their communication to a very basic level.
If you want to learn deeply about the psychology and the science behind the INFJ Door slam along with the best ways to avoid it, watch the following video on YouTube which I have created recently.
Why does an INFJ door slam happen?
INFJs take this extreme step when they’re repeatedly pushed to the edge, thereby forcing them to claim back their lost self-respect and dignity by holding onto the power to decide which people they want to let in their lives.
INFJs love human relationships the most out of all 16 Myers-Briggs® personality types and they hate doing an INFJ door slam to anyone in the world.
But when INFJs don’t see any viable option other than door slamming the person who are causing them a ton of mental trauma, they are forced to exercise this option.
When does an INFJ door slam happen?
INFJs don’t door slam all of a sudden. It takes a lot of time for them to finally take this decision when they have endured a lot of toxicity, dishonor, and disrespect.
INFJs normally do it silently without letting the other person know that the door got closed for them until they try to find it on their own.
How does the INFJ door slam happen and the stages leading to an INFJ door slam?
INFJs are always keen on researching and learning about people’s emotions and their inherent intentions. INFJs are obsessed with learning the WHY behind everything, especially when it involves human emotions and psychology.
At the same time, INFJs have a deep desire to help others better their lives, consequently reinforcing the belief in themselves and others that humanity does exist, and we need to love and support everyone to grow, stay happy, and thrive.
Now, everyone doesn’t have the right intention towards others. Many people in this world want to exploit and take advantage of others, play with their emotions, and use them only for their benefit, irrespective of the toxic consequences they create for the other person.
INFJs have the natural ability to understand the hidden intentions behind someone’s words. But their weakness is that they tend to place others way ahead of themselves because they want to learn what the other person exactly needs. INFJs listen to them throughout, feeling their emotions profoundly and understanding their needs completely.
INFJs want to establish a healthy give and take relationship with others and expect the other person to value and reciprocate the same treatment level towards themselves.
Stage-1: Source of Conflict.
Some people don’t reciprocate the same level of treatment to the INFJ. This happens due to two following reasons:
Mistaking the true nature of INFJ personality.
Many people aren’t able to understand the true strengths of an INFJ. INFJs have an immense level of mental strength. Due to this factor, they naturally tend to go overboard in saving the other person irrespective of whatsoever pain they have to go through to save them.
As the INFJ tries to give more emphasis and weightage to the other person’s problems only to solve them gracefully for their benefit, the other person doubts the INFJ to be a weak person asking for approval and validation to prove himself/herself.
Toxic behavior directed at INFJs.
Toxic people start taking advantage of INFJs, playing the victim card to express how much suffering they are going through, and acting as if they are the most miserable people on the planet.
They indirectly want the INFJ to help them out by taking advantage of the INFJ’s generosity. Since INFJs love to play the role of a protector in the relationship, it becomes difficult for the INFJ to refuse help.
Stage-2: Realising the Whole Picture.
Now, INFJs come to a point where they’ve invested 100% of their time, efforts, energy, emotions, and feelings in solving their problems, whereas, on the other hand, that person hasn’t invested even 10% of that playing the victim role.
Stage-3: Attempts to Normalise the Imbalance.
INFJs start developing passive-aggressive behavior towards them as they know the exact thing that’s going on. But the only thing that prevents an INFJ from confronting and expressing everything outrightly to the other person is that INFJs don’t want to offend or deeply hurt someone because of themselves.
Doing so will make the INFJ feel guilty as they don’t want to create bad experiences for others (due to their Parent Fe).
Stage-4: Avoidance in a Healthy Manner.
If the present dynamics remain the same, at this point, INFJs are pretty much sure that they hate being in this relationship, and they look for reasons on how to avoid the person and come out of it. But INFJs find it uncomfortable and difficult to initiate conversations where they can express themselves completely and let the other person face the bitter truth that INFJs aren’t interested anymore in talking to them.
From now onwards, the INFJ starts to behave indifferently, indirectly wanting the other person to figure out their mistakes and the disinterest that has been perpetually forming within the INFJ towards them.
Stage-5: Waiting for the last resort and giving one more chance.
If the other person is emotionally intelligent enough to understand what’s wrong, this is the point where either the relationship breaks or improves.
Despite knowing that the INFJ is emotionally hurt or something is wrong in there, more often than not the other person tends to start blaming the INFJ for their indifferent behavior and criticizes the INFJ for not being able to serve them as they used to do before.
Stage-6: Time for final action and no looking back.
Suddenly, the INFJs come to realize that they have gone too far into the sea, where the water level has risen above their head. And to save themselves, they need to retreat to the shore, and there has to be no looking back.
Now the INFJs do self-talk with themselves – “ I’ve done enough for them. They didn’t deserve my attention and help. I am not letting them disrespect me anymore. I have suffered a lot staying with them. Now, I’m going to take a stand for myself. Let them go to hell as it doesn’t matter to me if they are alive or dead.”
And BOOM!! That’s the INFJ door slam. The INFJ cuts them away from their life as if they didn’t exist before. INFJs will remove all of their contact in formation, pictures, gifts, items, and any traces that belonged to them from their life.
How to recover from an INFJ door slam?
INFJs get deeply hurt when they have to do a door slam onto someone. Usually, INFJs don’t go that extreme to shut someone out of their lives, as INFJs are very empathetic.
But when the shit hits the fan, INFJs find it the best way to deal with such kinds of situations that can ensure them mental peace and tranquility in the long run.
Even though the INFJ has made the door slam, they feel deeply wounded within themselves. They think why they allowed them in the first place to go so far as to violate their sense of identity and self-respect.
It may lead an INFJ to depression if the INFJ doesn’t have any other recourse to regain their sense of self-confidence and the hope for fruitful relationships in the future.
I would suggest the following steps to recover from such situations:
Don’t lose hope in relationships.
There are enough good people in the world who would love to be with you. You’re indeed rare, and you’re one of the most amazing persons in the world. So don’t stop believing in yourself and live your life to the fullest without any restrictions.
Seek a higher level of enlightenment.
Do the following activities to enrich your wisdom:
- Read books, blogs, journals, articles that serve your interest.
- Watch podcasts and videos that you find useful.
- Enroll in courses that redefine your life in some ways.
Knowledge is power for you. And your life is going to change with that crucial information. The more helpful information you gather, the stronger you can make faster and better life decisions.
Remember, your Introverted Intuition(Ni) and Introverted Thinking(Ti) get strengthened with more logically consistent knowledge.
Get involved in physical activities.
Getting involved in physical activities means enriching your Extraverted Sensing(Se) cognitive function that plays the aspirational role.
You will feel more relaxed and joyful when you satisfy your sensory needs and take the huge load off your dominant Introverted Intuition(Ni), giving yourself a break from overthinking.
You can do the following physical activities that can help.
- Hit the gym.
- Go for a morning walk, jog, or a run.
- Learn and practice yoga and pranayama.
- Do any other activity you find healthy to do.
Listen to inspirational and uplifting music.
Life is what you see through your eyes. Stay motivated and utilize your precious time to live your dreams at least once before it gets too late.
Connect with your friends.
Talk to your close friends and let them know how you’re feeling. You’ll feel much better after that.
Connecting with others and expressing your feelings will activate your Extraverted Feeling(Fe) in healthy ways, which will make you feel happier and satisfied.
Get yourself some Me-Time.
Go out for a solitary walk in nature. It’s the best therapy that an INFJ can ever get. When you talk to yourself, you get a ton of clarity about your thoughts, wants, and needs.
The best way to solve any problem that troubles you more often is to start looking at it from its face value standpoint.
For example, If someone doesn’t like you, don’t expect them to like you as you can’t control their thoughts. Similarly, if someone expects highly of you that you can’t deliver it to them, then let them know it’s not possible on your part to satisfy their expectations.
How to avoid an INFJ door slam?
Define and set your boundaries upfront.
Reinforce your boundaries. Don’t let them play with your emotions and your goodwill. Never allow anyone to undermine your self-respect and dignity in whatever relationship you are in. If you let anyone do that, then you’re most probably going to door-slam them in the coming future.
Trust your gut feelings and intuition.
Use your intuition to know other’s intentions for you. If you already feel something is wrong with someone, be cautious from the beginning. This way, you can save a lot of your time, energy, and emotions from getting invested in the wrong people.
Choose your relationships wisely.
Understand that many people are not looking for a relationship, whether it’s friendship, love, or anything. They’re exclusively looking for personal gains in the disguise of an ideal relationship. Please stay away from them.
As an INFJ, I know that we have a deep desire to connect with people and form meaningful relationships, but believe me, these people don’t deserve our love and attention.
Place your well-being as your top priority.
You cannot save anyone when you’re dying. Don’t fall into emotional traps where you get the blame for the mistakes committed by others. Stay away from people who gaslight you, and always look for ways to take advantage of your empathy.
Be assertive in your life.
If you’re already into any undesirable situations, face your issues directly without beating around the bush. If you feel you should communicate your grievances, then do it now to them. If you think they’re not going to understand or admit their mistakes, slam the door upon them if you feel they rightly deserve it.
Advantages and Disadvantages of INFJ door slam:
- INFJ door slam acts as an emergency exit when things go extreme and out of control.
- It relieves INFJ from the toxicity and stress when they have absorbed it to an extent where they can’t handle it anymore.
- INFJ door slam acts as a silent yet powerful way to reclaim back power and take revenge upon your perpetrator in a physically harmless way.
- Except for toxic and extreme situations, INFJs must restrain themselves from using the INFJ door slam, as this is a form of ghosting which mentally hurts the other person to another level.
- Unhealthy INFJs tend to use it more often on innocent people, even when slight misunderstandings come to the surface.
- INFJ door slam leads to severe heartbreak in love and relationships. INFJs should aim to voice their genuine opinions and let the other person know the truth so that it’s mutually beneficial for all the parties involved.
INFJ door slam is the course of action through which INFJs remove someone out of their lives for an indefinite period due to continuously dishonoring and disrespecting their boundaries and showing toxic behavior towards them.
INFJ door slam doesn’t happen all of a sudden as it takes enough time to build up to that stage from where there’s no return.
After an INFJ door slam, INFJs should learn how to recover from it by gaining helpful knowledge, keeping faith in relationships, staying connected with friends, listening to upbeat music, and allowing themselves enough me-time.
INFJ door slam is best avoided when INFJs learn how to reinforce their boundaries, stay assertive, and place their well-being as a top priority.
INFJ door slam is an essential weapon to save INFJs from mental trauma and distress. But it is imperative for the INFJs to understand when and against whom they should be using it.
I hope I am able to cover everything about the famous INFJ door slam.
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